Thursday, September 08, 2005

Life After Marriage

One day I was drawn to the foggy window which induced a stroll in the open terrace. How I long for a cloudy day, the comfort of rain, the solitude of a walk without the long grey ghost trailing behind me. Suddenly my friend questioned me with uncertainty “Are you in bad mood? Any problem at home?” But this was not the question just before marriage. My silence was usually presumed as thoughts about my guy. I could not make out why she implied my silence otherwise?

Will marriage change life? Did my life change after marriage?

I still remember the day when my mother convinced me for marriage, after a long argument about my professional qualification, career, maturity, responsibilities, duties………..etc. I had very few expectations and reservations about marriage and my mom already knew it. It took hardly a month for my mom to find the right guy. From then on, “yes”, I do find a difference but I do not know whether it could be qualified as a change.

There was a hot discussion that day about the new ring that my friend’s father bought her. My heart stopped for a moment when I suddenly remembered the ring my husband left on the table. I relaxed after bothering him over phone that it was safe in his hands.
Was I so much heedful before?
No, never had I. I still remember how I was reluctant when my mom misplaced her ear ring and was pleading me to search for it.

With usual appetite and unusual expectations I opened my lunch box to relish the self prepared “Rasam”. It tasted salty, bitter and sour, but for it was good. The first gulp I remembered my husband taking lunch, the second gulp I remembered how he is irritated about the bad taste and at the third gulp I closed my lunch box and enquired in the soothing voice about lunch over phone. “mmm….. O.K.”, meant “bad taste but I could bear it, just because the truth may hurt you.” But that hurts me more. For the first time I felt guilty about my dire cooking skills. I never bothered to enter kitchen before. I always felt cooking is boredom and tedious while kitchen is hot and odd.

Arguments are always an essential infrastructure in the office. Never could I agree with others on various issues. Each of us differ in our judgments and outlooks. I always peep in to the common issues to express my ideas and opinions and disagree with my peers to prove that they are wrong. But did I do that at home? My head often nods “yes” to the demands at home. I do not want to, rather need to prove my smartness at home. My sister in law always complains that I always flatter and comply with my mother in law. But did I do that for the sake of earning good name? No. Harsh disagreements always leave strong ravages in mind, especially with sensitive humans. Harmony of opinion is just an expression of brand loyalty, the product being my husband.

I have many instances to quote the “difference” in myself, from yearning for a call to organized room. I know my priorities, life style, preferences, likes, dislikes, longings, “food habits”…….etc have undergone a major shift for the sake of marriage. I doubt whether I lost my originality after marriage. I am trying to convince myself that this is a “normal change”.

I understand that marriage not only brings together just two individuals of different opinions and attitudes, but two lives and choices which are unique and complex, but such mergers and amalgamations have more impact on women than on men. Women find an internal and organizational takeover while men find external and financial takeover. Consequently, change is inevitable, but it is strongly influenced by beliefs, values and priorities.

May be irresponsibility at mom’s home can be excused as a privilege, but after marriage every women requires emotional and physical investment to identify and accept the “major transition” in her life. The Women after marriage does multi tasking. It could be finely defined as “Multi Personality in (Dis)order” as portrayed in “Anniyan”. She must be intimate and personal to conquer her husband’s love but at the same time she should not exile him from his nears and dears. She must be responsible and caring like a naturalized person with her in-laws at the same time she should not cross her frontiers like a regimented alien. She is the supreme deity who gives birth and nurtures the child at the same time she should not be a fiend to force her unfulfilled dreams on her children. In short she levers two sided swords each day in unusual battlefield with unlimited determination.

But why should and what for she battles in the changing battlefield with unchanged willpower?

Is it to gain money or material?

Is it for pride or fame?

No, It is the “Unconditional Love” for her husband and children. Her Family is the battle ground and she is the prominent brave warrior who hurts herself in the course of war to protect her loved ones. That’s why each of us respect her death than any one else!

45 Comments:

At 10:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey that is really a good one and a thought all of us will have when we get married. But what to do that's reality. It just takes some time for all of us to start accepting realities in life. From what I have known you you have already started realizing it. My Best wishes for a very Happy Married life.....

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Golden Face said...

Hi anonymus (Pravina)

Thanx a lot for ur comments and wishes.

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful flow of thoughts. Its the reality that every woman faces. But nobody gets time nor medium to express their feelings. You continue to go in your style and stop worrying about thing happening around you. Soon they will change.You would really cherish your moments at your in-laws place. I tell you this would happen very soon.....

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger fieryblaster said...

great work swarna. u have presented ur feelings and experience wonderfully.

 
At 11:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good going Swarna. I am confident that u will handle the 2-sided sword with ease.

 
At 12:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey swan,
excellent writing..probably the best so far...superb presentation and interpretation of ur thoughts..keep it rolling...

 
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At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 12:42 AM, Blogger Akils said...

Hey....

Really good one..
Excellent writting skill... Untouched wonderful concept...
- if I would comment at a glance..


but if u wannu get a blatant feedback, then it seems like sort of female chauvinistic... what say ?
Do u really compare your married life to handling two edged sword.. Was your life that tragic.. May be I wont agree with that. Gone are the days where women were suppressed.. and Moreover the arena where a women starts her married life can never be compared to a battlefield if the process is really meant for unconditional love... and so sad to read that she is getting hurt every day in her coupled life.

Hey no hard feelings please, the above said are my upfront comments about the blog thats it, Nevertheless As a family man I will try my best to make my betterhalf
free from handling two edged sword, free from the battlefield, and
free from the hurts that she faces....

 
At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 1:53 AM, Blogger Soumyadip said...

If marriage is so metamorphosing for the female kind I won't mind getting married to one.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Golden Face said...

Hi Akil,

Thanx for the comment.

I would like to make my point clear. I am afraid that my blog is misunderstood once again.

I never meant that women are suppressed or not privileged. I only meant that women are the victims (many times) for any emotional turbulence or financial instability at any point of time, since most of us take our mom or wife for granted. They are our near conduit for emotional outlet.

The unconditional love can never change the battle field into garden but could give enough strength and with standing power to face it.

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Swarnamukhi!

Change is constant. You have skillfully handled with the transition that is happening to you after a few months of marriage. May be these were million times more intense for our mothers when they stepped into our fathers house. We are what we are because of our parents and our children's future lies in how well we sacrifice for our loved ones. It is not only women, but men also do undergo a change after marriage. Probably your husband will have more things to write in his blog.

It was a very good blog and it reflects your true and genuine feelings for your loved ones. ALL THE BEST FOR A BEAUTIFUL FUTURE.

Luv,
Nithya

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Golden Face said...

HI Nithya,

Thanx for the comment.

What u say is very true.

Yes, Men too play their part in our good living, i do not deny it but I am a naive writer. It is very difficult for me to step in to the shoes of some one and write about their feelings.

I do not want to be one sided. I wrote what i felt, that's it.

Once again thanks to all my friends (Sarada, Vasumathy and Pradha) who have given their comments. It helps me writing.

 
At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Hari said...

A Spontaneous outpour of ur experience. Pretty good. Keep going.

 
At 6:40 PM, Blogger Hawkeye said...

Absolutely loved this blog. Wonderfullly expressed. I have linked this blog from my blog and dedicated my most recent post to this blog of yours.

you should wanna check out

http://hawkeyeview.blogspot.com

 
At 6:40 PM, Blogger Hawkeye said...

btw hawkeye = bharath == Harini's husband.

 
At 2:22 AM, Blogger Sudipta Chatterjee said...

And I came here from Hawkeye's blog... good going, Swarnamuki. Most importantly, I liked the way you could describe the nuances of the changes and not compromises in life.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger sri said...

even me too from hawkeye's page ..

felt nice learning that there are some girls or
( rather i should say respected women ) who stil think of unconditional love.

this actually reminds me of an occasion when i felt i fell in love with my best friend. on my birthday when i told her that i am unable to forget her ..
she asked me what i want.
i replied her saying "nothing".
Only god and I knew why i replied to her like that.
i dont know how she interpreted it... but i tried to convey her that my love is unconditional and i dont expect anything from her.

she never understood my love and has got married someone else from intel who did his MS in US.

may be i feel i am at mistake ... i should have replied ..."she is more important to me than what she is going to give me for what i want"... I jsut could n't find the right expression for my feelings at that time.

but for her... MS is more important than me. ( she indirectly knows i love her a lot )..

Being a Man sometimes it pains like hell when i recall this story. I always say not all men are alike. Not all men may not look for the same thing in girls. If a man looks for thsi unconditionality People start doubting his manliness. It happened in my case ... very strange.

I dont know if the word "unconditional" has come from your heart or not.. but if it is from heart then i am happy to know about the fact that still ideal girls exist , who just dont look at the degrees or money or car or salary level of the husband but for his compassion and empathy towards her and a lifelong sincere relationship with her.

Keep up your thoughts.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Vishnu Vyas said...

Hey Amazing blog, best writing I've come across ever since...er.. Best Writing I've come across.Period.

 
At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Blossom,
This is excellent! I am also someone who just got married and and struggling to accept the truth that you seem to have well understood. Women's life - a sacrifice...a reality .....we have heard ppl say this a million times before...also depicted in a million movies.

But I have always told myself that I will create a world of my own where I can achieve things without having to sacrifice my ambitions after marriage- strike the right balance between career and family. But reality stikes me hard .... suddenely ambitions begin to take a back seat......where are they? Am I losing them? I try to hold on to it hard.... thinking I will definitely achieve them somehow.....maintaining a balance in career and domestic life... is something every women is trying to achieve these days!.......

I guess we will reach a stage when we will be in-sync with our -ILS and then things will smoothen out.... it's that time to take to transition between the life we had lead,the goals we had followed and the ambitions we have lived for......into the life(lives) we are now going to lead, the goals of "our" family that we are now going to pursue.....

Good luck....! and keep writing!

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger Golden Face said...

Casino: Thanx for dropping by.

Sowmya Dip: Hi,

The change is inevitable for both men and women after marriage. It was easier for me to explain the changes that i have experienced. Any way Thanx for dropping by.

 
At 2:14 AM, Blogger Golden Face said...

Hi Hawkeye,

You do n't need any introduction. I have been reading your blogs for more than a year though i have not posted any comments. It's great to hear about my blog from you.

Thanx a centillion for the encouragement.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger TJ said...

Object and excellent blog!
Keep up the good work!! and write more and much more!!!

 
At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic expression of your thoughts esp. the final punch at the end.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger swabhanu said...

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks for writing, how else we could know these feelings.
-Swabhanu.

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger still_figuring_out said...

hi. i like your eloquence. though i am not married yet, i have been in a relatinship for more than 6 years now, and i too have learned that adaptability is a very important ingredient for a relatinship to succeed.

 
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At 10:11 AM, Blogger Tantalising Tycoon said...

Hi Golden Face,

Very good one. This is the first time i read your Blog and you have been imressive and provoking too.
.
All the very best

Regards
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At 6:05 AM, Anonymous hema said...

Hema,

A very neatly expressed feelings. I sometimes wonder in the constant battle within me to voice out or adjust to married life, if it is worth all this and then realise, its actually not a choice. Although i was one amongst millions who have spoken aloud on my priorities and freedom, suddenly i find myself not caring about any of those anymore. Small things that mattered a lot, no longer holds any value. Maybe for better or worse, Marriage has caused so many unsettled turbulence my life that i struggle to cope with even after 4 years of being married. It is worse when i find i am not able to express it as well as you do.

You write very well!!! Keep up the good job.

 
At 2:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ganesh alias Raman,

Well written, well said.

Marrige - to me is a carriage of Love, that gets loaded as it passes through the station "Time" with a no prelaid track.

The amount of load that a carriage can take depends on path it travels.

Whether its going to be a sweet journey or a hard rollacosta ride depends on how well one lays the track, admist different landscape, weather conditions, crossing river/sea...etc...

Once signed the contract, lets all do our job well in getting this carriage to its destination rather than blaming the environment.

There is no life on earth that can live without facing a hardship everyday.

We because of our so called "6th instance" make things more complicated than it is, than analysing in the most simple, sweet, straight forward way.

Lets rule out the differences & enjoy life with out better half, understand each needs & make a healthy happy living with the amount of time that we have in hand !! as we don't know what's next awaiting us.

Good luck to everyone.

Ganesh alias Raman

 
At 2:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ganesh alias Raman,

Sorry mistyped - the last bit :

Lets rule out the differences & enjoy life with our better half, understand each needs & make a healthy happy living with the amount of time that we have in hand !! as we don't know what's next awaiting us.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Rishi Agarwal said...

hey , nice blog, well written ..

keep writing !

 
At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear swarnamuki,

You have expressed your thoughts in very simple but effective words. That simplicity got me thinking about myself.
It is true we do it 'out of' unconditional love. But I have also realised that we do it 'for' unconditional love. More than the spirit of sacrifice, it is the yearning to be loved unconditionally that inspires us to fight battles however gory they might be. May you be loved unconditionally.

After thought - should I rather substitute 'I' for 'we'?

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Raghab said...

Good write. The flow of words were right. Presentation of negative meaning in the blog was not exact, could have meant the same thing in some other way.

Well done.

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger Arun said...

Simply superb....

Keep Writing ...

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Maheshwar said...

Routed eventually from hawkeye's blog.
Does my appreciation really matter here ??? Does it have a value- Yes,I believe now.

I was never a blog user until a few minutes ago - to post a comment I was forced to create my own blog which I eventually did.

Coming back to your write-up,must tell you that - not only did it give a good reading but also a feeling of realising the fact behind the sacrifice made by the Lady of the house.

I am not married as yet to give my personal experience , atleast this taught me enough that it matters to value the opinion of your partner to appreciate their views and ideas.

Very impressed with this blog. May I wish that we get to read more such realistic write-ups in future from you.

- From Germany.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Shankar Karthik said...

Swarnamuki,

Routed from hawkeye blog :)

"Women find an internal and organizational takeover while men find external and financial takeover"

what more can describe a marriage in technical terms.

Wonderful writing. Bookmarking your blog.

- shankar karthik

 
At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swarnamukhi,
Routed from Hawkeye's blog.

This is exactly how a newly married woman (not a girl anymore :-)) feels. She was a princess back home irrespective of her family status. But after wedding, She has to change herself. She has to act falsely in many situations to please her in-laws. Sometimes she has to face many battles. Gone are the happy days. She might be happy sometimes after wedding. But it is not the same pure happiness she enjoyed at her home. Amma, Appa, Anna, Akka and all blood relations are always very special. They are the ones whom you first think whenever you are out of your mood. Because they are the one who can take you for who you are.

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger Piyush Das said...

Very well written and honest... I would suggest that marriage is like any travel. U take it wishing that things work out. If it does midway u start giving gyaan about "benefits" of marriage ..if it doesnt most of us wud like to be self proclaimed "martyrs"..! But the important thing is to be happy ..thats all that matters.

 
At 4:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm.. Came here through Hawkeye's blog.

I am yet to marry, but this fear of change is postponing it...

N yes, may be unconditional love gives one strength to fight. It kind of gives a aim to succeed and in the process one would find happiness. If thats not the case, then life will just be mere compromise and lead for the heck of it.

 
At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi,
I loved the way u beautifully presented the thought of a newly married girl through your blog.

I am going through the same thoughts in my mind

I know even a man has to go through changes after marriage. Bt they dont ve to leave their family , their longings, their habits, etc like girls. And that is the very challenging task in a woman's life......

With a hope in her heart that one day everything will be ok..... She continues to live her married life......

 
At 3:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was a wonderful blog, mirroring the myriad feelings of most women. As a wife and mom, I couldn't agree more with you. When this unconditional love translates from this small circle to Human Being to Human Being, this world will be a paradise. Kudos to your great expressive writing skills.

 
At 4:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

its the same I am facing...Adjusting in a new house new family new environment .Its hardly very few things remains same .Frankly speaking I hate married life . Boys family always expect girl to adjust .But they never try to adjust themselves .

 

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