"She is Scared"

With enormous energy and under tough competition I was trying to get in to the suburban train that was already crowded more than its capacity. My eyes were searching for the unoccupied seats in vain. I know most of the people were busily engaged in the Sumo wrestling for the meager unoccupied spaces. I could also see the blissful smiles on faces that could knock off the co passenger’s strategies to catch their 1 hour throne demonstrating “Ellorum innattu Mannar”. I had to settle near the train window. Each face reflected the emotions of different kinds. Some were drowned in their own thoughts, some were gossiping and some were still keen in noticing the probable throne and one face seemed to be more familiar.

I vaguely remember this face, the wide forehead reflecting the positive attitude, the deep set eyes reflecting the proud and observant, the sharp nose reflecting the quick temper and round head bun reflecting the middle age and responsibility. She must be disturbed by my prolonged gaze at her. I took away my eyes immediately to make her comfortable and nothing is odd about her. I squeezed my mind to identify who she is from my long term and short term memory to recall and recognize her.

Suddenly, a lightning struck my mind. I could hear “She is scared” all around me hundred times.


Way back before 10 years I was standing before her for fourth standard admission guarded by my parents. After a short interview about my family and previous school I was asked to recite a poem from third standard syllabus. “Indian Weavers” suddenly flashed my mind but I was reluctant, rather shy and afraid and decided not to open my mouth. She insisted many times but I could not come out of my shell. After a severe look from my father I had no other option but to recite the poem. I started quite well but the feel of being in the middle of teachers looking through the glasses made me stumble and jump straight to the last para. I could not even remember what I recited just then. My cognitive skills were paralyzed and I was looking in to the faces around me for the positive response. After a deep look through the glasses, she exclaimed

“She is Scared”

From then on, for 10 long years I was quoted “She is scared” whenever I make mistake irrespective of the order of magnitude. From slipping the water bottle to reduced marks in the exams I was quoted “She is scared”. Over the years the repeated quoting of “She is scared” had created an emotional trauma of being guilty before others.

“She is scared” was tormenting my mind for a long time. My mind mused and ruminated “She is scared” even after she went away from my vicinity. But after sometime something somewhere struck me. I started to rethink on the word “Scared”. All these days I was quoted “She is Scared” for the acts of being careless and irresponsible. I realized that my father had misapprehended the word “scared” for being reckless and feckless. Though I know the meaning for the word I could not think beyond the context whenever I was quoted that incident.

This might be a very funny incident, just a misapprehension of the word “Scared” for 10 long years. But why is it that I could not think beyond the context whenever I am quoted that incident? I have actually seen through the distortion of my conditioned mind and this has put a spin on to my 10 years of life and how I have perceived myself. For the 10 long years I have seen the world through the tints of my conditioned spectacle. After all the word “Scared” had made me handicapped for 10 long years.